|
 | Post
a comment..
Tuesday,
November 21, 2000, 18:00
21 November 2000, Lynchburg,
Tennessee - Top UK Counter-Strike clan Spice Girls today announced that
it had signed a new 5-year sponsorship deal with Jack Daniel Distilleries that
should see it become one of the leading clans of its
generation. The new deal, expected to be worth around
£400,000 over 5 years, is the
first of its kind in the UK, and the first cross-sector
deal of its kind anywhere in the world.
"We
believe the online gaming sector has been criminally
ignored by the FMCG market in recent years," said Len Matlow, Proprietor, Jack
Daniel Distilleries. "Our deal with Clan Spice Girls
heralds a new age of sponsorship in this exciting and
fast-growing area."
"It works for me," said [SG]Horus[JD] of Clan Spice
Girls. "I mean, I`ve already got a GeForce card that`ll
last me until well into next year, but my Jack Daniel`s
supplies are in constant need of replenishment. Now,
instead of worrying about where my next pizza is going
to come from, or how I can possibly reconcile my
addiction to online gaming with my need to hold down a
steady day-time job, I can spend the next 5 years in a
gently-alcoholic haze. With this new sponsorship deal
there`s nothing ahead of [SG] but success, not only in the
immediate future, but for several seasons to
come."
Clan Spice Girls, currently top of their
group in both the Wireplay
and Barrysworld CS leagues,
are hoping that their unique access to more Jack
Daniel`s than they can possibly drink, together with its
revolutionary old Full-Screen
Charcoal-Filtering system, will give them a
significant edge in the highly-competitive arena of
online gaming. Canny fans of the legendary sippin`
whiskey have already been cottoning on to the benefits
that JD can offer, as John
Doe, Chief Technology Officer,
explains:
"Utilising our latest See-Thru Bottle technology, Jack
Daniel`s users have a massive advantage in all kinds of
FPS gaming. Pretty soon you won`t be able to get near
the top of the scoreboard unless you`re a JD man.
Remember folks: winners don`t just use the best
hardware; winners use Jack Daniel`s."
As part of
the deal, all members of Clan Spice Girls will sport a
new, Calvin Klein-designed, "[JD]" tag after their names
in addition to the usual [SG] prefix.
"Wearing
the [JD] logo will be a sure sign of quality wherever I
go," said [SG]Laughing
Gravy[JD], an alcoholic, yesterday. "Wearing a
tag at the end of my name as well as at the front gives
me a sense of closure, y`know? Not to mention the
automatic respect and kudos it commands."
Watch
out for the [SG][JD] tag on
a server near you, soon!
For more information
please contact
UK:
[SG]Horus[JD]
Clan
Spice Girls
USA:
Len Matlow
Jack
Daniel Distilleries
Lynchburg
Tennessee
37352
Hey kids! Just because you`re
not a famous full-time professional gamer like me,
doesn`t mean you can`t try the Jack Daniel`s Effect out for
yourselves. I regularly drink Jack Daniel`s before every
match I play. It not only helps to calm the nerves and
steady the hand, but combined with a tasty combination
of ice, Coke and good old-fashioned adrenalin, it helps
me achieve that zen state of oneness with my Logitech
Mouseman. Suddenly, headshots become the most natural
thing in the world, and enemy bullets are made of
jelly!
To help you follow in my footsteps down
the happy road of gaming success, I`ve put together this
small Guide to JD Gaming,
so that, with a bit of practise, you too can top public
servers everywhere. Just read and memorize these easy
steps!
Buy some
Jack Daniel`s. If you`re under-age, don`t worry,
just get a helpful parent, or an older-looking friend
with a fake ID, to visit the local off-licence and pick
up a bottle for you. If they`re a real friend, they`ll
even stop by the pub on the way back and steal you a few
pint-glasses!
Start drinking. For best
effect, this should be about half an hour before
gametime, just to give that good ol` sour mash time to
work it`s way into your bloodstream.
At this point, the JD gamer
has two options. Firstly, he can go the more
traditional, hardcore route and drink his JD neat,
preferably straight from the bottle (left). After all,
you don`t want to waste valuable seconds topping up your
glass in the middle of a hostage rescue! Secondly, he
can mix it with Coke, the method that I myself been
leaning towards of late: not only does it save on
excruciating stomach-ulcers, but the caffeine-hit can
really get that heart pumping and keep those alertness
levels high.
For longer matches (or even
short ones if you`re a serious gamer), you might find a
pint glass isn`t quite large enough for your needs. In
this example (pictured right), I am half-filling a
cafetiere with Jack Daniel`s in preparation for a good
mix. This is about the right amount for me, but
preferably you should find your own level.
Use a
[jd] tag. With your
seemingly unexplained increase in ability, the cheat
accusations are bound come in thick and fast. By simply
appending the [jd] tag to your existing name, you`ll be
signalling to all fellow gamers that you are using Jack
Daniel`s as a gaming aid, and not cheating at all. They
might even start applauding your good taste in
performance-enhancing drugs! Be sure not to use the
officially trademarked [JD]
upper-case tag though. Stick to lower case, or packs of
lawyers will hunt you down and kill you.
Let`s
play Counter-Strike! By now your heady cocktail
of JD, adrenalin, and caffeine should have started to
kick in, so keep your finger poised over that screenshot
key, ready for those massive 6:1 ratio,
2-frags-per-minute scorelines! Be careful not to
over-indulge too early though. A nice, steady intake of
Jack Daniel`s throughout a match should leave you with a
fired-up sense of well-being (left), not render you a
gibbering wreck on the floor with your pants on your
head (right). Remember kids, CS stands for
Counter-Strike, not Cirrhosis! Having said that though,
post-match celebrations after the inevitable victory
are, of course, perfectly legitimate, and cranial
pants-wearing activity following a particularly
rewarding league match is almost required
behaviour.
Of course, for the
true JD gaming connoisseur, expense is no object
(especially for those of us lucky enough to have a
5-year sponsorship contract!), and for these happy few,
there`s nothing to match the exquisite taste of Jack Daniel`s Single Barrel Tennessee
Whiskey. This hi-octane version of the more
traditional JD can push your performance just that
little bit further that little bit faster, and should be
kept for those extra-special matches (or just because
you`re worth it!). It`s certainly my choice, and it`s
the choice of a new generation.
Well I hope my Guide to JD Gaming has been of some
help to those of you out there still struggling through
the newbie-ridden hell of amateur Counter-Strike. If,
years from now, I can have helped just one pro-gamer
start down that rocky road to fame and fortune, then the
sacrifice will have been worthwhile.
Happy
drunken gaming everybody!
email Horus
|
|
.gif){kind=small}
